Dealio in Elegance

Here’s the thing about me. I am someone who is intrigued at once to read stories such as Berserk, a manga that is dark and violent, and then read a manga like Yotsubato, a story of total lightness and playfulness. That I am a man who loves to look a cute little buttons and cute little dragon pictures and want to plant flowers and then read erotic poetry or historical political machinations and use a chainsaw to make art with a tree trunk. I think this leads people very often to misunderstand me and dismiss me for either being overly playful as an adult or overly serious and insufferable. The thing is though is I am just curious. I am curious about all these things. I have cultivated I have this assumtioin that I should be able to express myself llike this to everyone and that it be safe and okay and it never really is and then I wonder why the rejection. There is this assumption that I should be able to be okay wondering about everything under the sun. Why do people restrict themselves so much?? What are we afraid of. Everything out there is from a person like you and me. I am so tired of needing to be smart and right and strong and intelligent and sophisticated and expressive. It is such a chore to need to be so much. It is impossible. Do I really need to be curious about everything and be able to share it with every body. Some people like this and that and I seem to be interested in just about everything. The problem is when I feel I must look into it when no I don’t have to. Blah. That I should be able to share it and feel safe when no I don’t have to. What am I trying to prove? it is a great priviledge to be able to express yourself. In the end what is the priority? What do I really want? I just want connection like most everyone else. I want some people around me to appreciate me and love me and hold me and let me appreciate them and hold them. But I want so badly to also get to express myself and be curious about everything under the sun. For it not to be such a taboo. Perhaps there is wisdom in this restriction. There is wisdom in learning to thrive in just a little bit. In a few things. In a few interests. To delve deep in a little spot and let that be enough. I am so tired. At the end of the day we want to be connected. It is our nature. There is nothing we have to do for that. You just be connected. I think I ask way to much of myself and other people. That I have never been able to be okay with just little bit. That I want to be able to everything. And I can’t. And you can’t either. So how do I choose a few things and be okay with the good and bad of it?

One thought on “Dealio in Elegance”

  1. I certainly don’t reject you ! I love reading everything you write…i love your style of writing….i could easily fall in love with you….but i was so happy to read your prose story yesterday “Potato Love”….i am happy for you….those that reject you are negative energy anyways…..just be yourself…..relax….xoxoxo


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