Here

Will we ever be done
Will it ever let go
I want to so badly explore in peace
Scared, we
are so scared.
All the time
As if everything has already happened
And it has.
Scared
scared scared to say we are scared
Scared to not say
TO much too little too many too few too old too thin too hard
too soft too long too short too thoughtful too boring too smart too carefree
too this too that too silly too serious too bla bla bla
too patient too quick too rash too tight too loose too much too little too
too loud too quiet too sweet too bitter too hot too cold

Poem string NO. 56

How this puzzle piece wishes to
grab the bull by its nose ring and
swing and throw him away till
it twinkled in sky like team rocket.

Nothing to save, nothing to lose
Nothing to win, nothing to lose.

Yes in fact this clothed poet does enjoy
being different and strange
It brings satisfaction to be weird and use derelict words coifed in cobwebs.
Life does make me excited and I do feel a deep yearning to be saved and be a certain way. It is tiresome sometimes. To be looking for the final escape. The final mountain top to rule them all. I can not help but run on this treadmill of discovery. I revel in the emotion though it aches this broken body. Because the emotions are so mixed with fears and guilts. Seldom is it one thing at a time. Many emotions together. Excitement to escape and guilt that I need escape. Guilt of the pleasure and yearning for the pleasure. Guilt of in satisfaction and guilt. Feeling so false. Untrue. So old is this emotion. Seems older than time for me. So ready to let it go. Be what I think is best. To do what I think is best. Let go of this guilt of having so much when others have nothing. yet do I really have so much in despair? Yes I have affluence, but is it really anything. I am assuming that other people want such things. That they need such things. Is my hour hot shower every day making me a bad person. I am sick and ill and it helps for that. Can you really blame me for wanting to do things that make my body more healthy? I do because it relieves the chronic tensions in this body that lead disfunction. I don’t do it just for kicks. Yes it feels good. Yes I could live without it. I could also live without all the pills I take. Should I also feel guilty for having access to medications when others do not. You could argue that so many comforts is actually not so good. That others could be thankful not to be so attached to healthy living. That my healthy living isn’t the only way. Could be seen as arrogant to assume that others want what I have. Sure some do, and also some do not. Just like anything else. I just want to get away from this pervasive guilt and be strong and lively again. I am done with this guilt that tires me out. It also has me be nice to people. I want to be nice for the sake of kindness, not because I feel guilty about myself… I get caught up in whether I do things out of habit or because they really could be good. Why does it matter? I am hungry. I am not Superman. We forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you. I just want to do things I love without the ever present aches and pains. Yes they annoy me greatly. life is so horribly inconvenient. Yup there are lots of guilty feelings and selfish feelings. They feel so much a part of this being. What am I without them. I am sky the wondering wanderer. Writer of poetry, meditator, satisfaction with a thread.

So scared of these unraveled thoughts. When fear ends what determines the choices. One day we just have to choose and that is it. That is all there is. Then just get along as we can with whatever that means.

Yes I do like nice things. I like kilts. I like dresses. The ladies look so good in them and maybe me too. I like women. They are so lovely. I like how some smell so nice even without the perfumes. I like earrings and necklaces. like nice trays for carrying food. I like sweets. I like movies. I like cartoons. I like video games. I do like long hot showers. I do like fantasies and fairy tales and magic and secrets. In fact I do like hard physical work even though I can’t anymore. I like how people smell after a day of farmwork. I like chilling. I do like manga. I do like anime. I do I do I do. I like poetry. I like art. I do like friendly people and friendly dragons. I like flowers. I like how they look and how pretty they are. How they smell. I am in fact something of a pansy. Always wanted to be big and strong but that ain’t me. I like plants. I love baklava and tiramisu. I like knitting and sewing machines. I like simplistic things. I like Japanese art. I like scientific research papers, I like all those fancy words; the content is nice too. I like how it is just the facts with no convincing. And silly humour iss the best.

If you must to punish for what I am and have become—go ahead.
I am done with that employment.

I’ll probably like too, you.

I would like to like what I like. Feel when I feel. Let go this squeezing away the self in a box whose corners are
So tight.
Open instead into a space for breathe.

One more dandelion each day
Until suddenly
You could not count them all.

So beautiful is the dandelion
An expression of form and function
In symmetric unity
An elegant simplicity of
Vigour and charm.
A plant that needs no encouragement

Going to be be.
Explore this wonder of creation
We forgive you sky sky
We forgive the world sky sky
I like making people feel safe
And it also makes me crazy.
See

I want to be a man of Spirit
I am a man of Spirit
I want to be an artist
I am an Artist

We forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky s

Things take time
they really take time.
The dandelion blooms once a year
and that is enough.

I want everything to be just right
I want to let go of my idea of how things aught to be to be good. It is is aching me to be so hard on myself and set such expectation. I feel like my very self is being struck when things don’t go the way I think they should.

No no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.

No sweeps clear a space for breathe
Yes fills till no room for even the Jade.

Yes I do like many things that you do not
No I do not like these things that you do.

No I do not need these things for satisfaction and soul.
This being is not over there in the books and clothing and people and ideas.
That is the ego, the id.
Those things are rich and beautiful and fun to explore.
Remember also the being.

Much of life is wandering around tired, sick, and lost in the bush and not on a mountain top.
Living only for mountaintops is so
hard a way to be.
Asking to be always fascinating and interesting: a hard way to be.
Asking to be always accomplishing
hard a way to be.
Asking to meet others at only the arete:
hard a way to go.
Vertexes. They should be like cookies
as a treat. Can hardly live on treats.

He yearned so much for mountain tops and in the end there was only pebbles.

Pebbles are fine
fitting in the pocket.
Threads are fine
fitting around the finger.
Air is finest of all
air suffuses the very being.

Life doesn’t make sense to me if I am not accomplishing things. Hard a way to be.

I would like life to be okay without needing accomplishments.

I am so done with this intensity. It is not a living intensity. It is a trying to get somewhere intensity when there is no where to get to, nowhere to go. Nothing to prove.

Simple living and yet complicated
Demanding and yet giving
Calm and not relaxed And intense

Such passion holding on to things really burns you. You give yourself away to those things. Such a draining relationship with success.

Dear Sky,
We want to let things be for a while.
Try it out. Let things go. We have really learned how to hold on. Now to try something different. Let us trust in the Spirit. Trust in our light. Be like the Jade. Like the thread and pebble. Another path. In less is more. Less, so much less. Simplify, simplify. Yes it is hard.

So afraid that I won’t be able to get there. Where. There. Who knows. Life is just the journey. Can only do so much at once. Things take time, take time.

We forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive

Let go for the sake of yourself and others. Forgive yourself for the sake of yourself and others.
We are not Superman. We are not Superman we are not Superman.
No we are not Superman. Not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman.

We are not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman not Superman I am not Superman I am not Superman I am not Superman I am not Superman I am not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman e
We are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman I am not Superman we are not Superman I am not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman I am not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman I am not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman we are not Superman and I am not Superman and we are not Superman and I am not Superman and we are not Superman and we are not Superman and I am not Superman and we are not Superman and we are not Superman and I are not Superman and we are not Superman.

Despair like budding leafs
Over an attachment to should be.
Guilt that it could not be
That I should be Superman.
Responsible to make it all well
I am not Superman
We are not Superman.
When nothing to do but let be
When with habit to do.
It aches
Let it be.
We forgive
The world forgives
All is forgiven.

How I hate this
I hate it
I want to be healthy and free
In mind and body and soul
This body just likes to dissolve.

How does this happen
Broken record feelings in
Mind and body.
It aches to get in
It aches to get out.
I did the best I could
With what I knew.
Could not have known
Could not have known.
Can now only let it go
And that aches.
We forgive you
The world forgives.

Gonna irritate and shake
That’s what I do
That’s where I am
We forgive
The world forgives you.

We forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky the work forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky we forgive you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky the world forgives you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky

Insecurity leads to great needs.
Needs are normal, wants are normal.
They can also be very heavy.

And spiders,
do they spin webs
about their place
in the world
in time.

Or is it
humans only
with storied turmoil
of places
and time.

Is the spider insecure,
the tree, and the moon.
Or is it humans only
spinning wheels of
mythic turmoil.

Sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you sky sky we forgive you. We love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you we love you.

Lunch Flowers

It is lunch time. I sit down on the bench by the water. I like to feel the motion of such steady moving mass. Its certainty is almost unnerving. Unnerving bc I like to think I am in control. it tells you there is nothing you can do; you must surrender. Fight not wee human; you are a leaf. Let go your golden crown; Here is a power beyond you.
Standard fare for eating today. Apple and a sandwich. And some crackers. And a thermos of ice tea. Ice tea is a balm of the back ache. The sandwich is egg salad and some greens and flowers. Flowers. there are flowers in my sandwich. Nasturtiums I think. A little spicy. She must have put them there. When could she have. I do not know. From the garden. Perhaps when I went to fetch the mail. I must think of something nice to say. Flowers in my sandwich. Goodness. Perhaps I will buy some flowers. Or I might find some to pick. Or I might call her a flower, a dahlia, maybe. Dahlia, dear. Or a tiger lily. I smile. I watch the clouds. I watch the people. I watch the river. I sigh. I go back to the café. Flowers, goodness.

So Here Now

So here now this is it

What what did you want

Well have you not read all the stories

They are so

very

romantic

So lovely

I wanted to be so lovely like that

So intensely that I am broken.

Yes yes yes I know. I see you you sky.
I know sky sky. I Know I know sky. You don't have to

Don't have to kill yourself for the ideas, the stories that are told

You really don't have to do it like that. It is

 

Okay

ay

ay

ay

Okay. It does not have to be full steam all or nothing.

That is not sustainable.

You really really don't have okay

Really really don't have to be superman

I tis a beautiful, laudable, admirable, scintillating

aspiration.

Can be added to

the list of things that don't need to be done

that list is light years long.

light year

Why is it so hard to let out this golden crown that wants the

whole world in its pocket.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dealio in Elegance

Here’s the thing about me. I am someone who is intrigued at once to read stories such as Berserk, a manga that is dark and violent, and then read a manga like Yotsubato, a story of total lightness and playfulness. That I am a man who loves to look a cute little buttons and cute little dragon pictures and want to plant flowers and then read erotic poetry or historical political machinations and use a chainsaw to make art with a tree trunk. I think this leads people very often to misunderstand me and dismiss me for either being overly playful as an adult or overly serious and insufferable. The thing is though is I am just curious. I am curious about all these things. I have cultivated I have this assumtioin that I should be able to express myself llike this to everyone and that it be safe and okay and it never really is and then I wonder why the rejection. There is this assumption that I should be able to be okay wondering about everything under the sun. Why do people restrict themselves so much?? What are we afraid of. Everything out there is from a person like you and me. I am so tired of needing to be smart and right and strong and intelligent and sophisticated and expressive. It is such a chore to need to be so much. It is impossible. Do I really need to be curious about everything and be able to share it with every body. Some people like this and that and I seem to be interested in just about everything. The problem is when I feel I must look into it when no I don’t have to. Blah. That I should be able to share it and feel safe when no I don’t have to. What am I trying to prove? it is a great priviledge to be able to express yourself. In the end what is the priority? What do I really want? I just want connection like most everyone else. I want some people around me to appreciate me and love me and hold me and let me appreciate them and hold them. But I want so badly to also get to express myself and be curious about everything under the sun. For it not to be such a taboo. Perhaps there is wisdom in this restriction. There is wisdom in learning to thrive in just a little bit. In a few things. In a few interests. To delve deep in a little spot and let that be enough. I am so tired. At the end of the day we want to be connected. It is our nature. There is nothing we have to do for that. You just be connected. I think I ask way to much of myself and other people. That I have never been able to be okay with just little bit. That I want to be able to everything. And I can’t. And you can’t either. So how do I choose a few things and be okay with the good and bad of it?

Potato Love

I am sitting garbed in tshirt and boxers in my office as she comes home and say hello through the house. I respond and hear her headed my way. She see me there reading my book I just got about the history of pastries. I am on the section about shortbread in Scotland and for some reason the whole scene makes her fall in love with me all over again. I say I am reading a new book. She say I see that. Then she walks over and lays her hands in my shoulders and whispers that she brought something home for you mr shortbread boy. I say is that right misses coyish missy. She says yes it is. I say I didn’t know I was born in April. She says your parents called and said that remembered they had it wrong all along. I says I’ll just be a minute. I then sigh and stretch and walk to the kitchen. There I see that she has brought me something. This something makes my heart sing as it tells me here is a women that knows me. Herebis a women that know me Right to the depths. bHere is a women o that cares and thinks of me. Here is a women that appreciates me. Here is women of thoughtfulness an kindness. Here is a women that loves me. Here Is a women that makes me smile. Here is an women. I then turn my head a bit as a tear slides out my eye and say whatever could I have done to deserve such a women as you. She pouts a bit and says I could think of a few things. Then she she makes passionate love to me right there and then because we could hardly be bothered to find another spot. Then we lay there on the floor. We look at each other. We look at the ceiling. We look at the kitchen. Then her stomach rumbles and she giggled. and I say I suppose that means i aught to fix you some dinner. She says I suppose it does. She says I want something with potatoes. I say potatoes? I say i thoughtbauch women as you could onlynest things that dropped from the heavens. She rolls her eyes and pinches me and says I want potatoes. I say okay.